I wrote my sob story yesterday… today I write myself a pull-myself-together story.
I woke up this morning and felt what can only be described as this: like my newfound zest for life, that precious sense of balance and fulfilment I discovered only a couple weeks ago, has gone.
I’ve really struggled to connect to the real world today. I don’t want to face it. It’s currently 12.30pm and so far I’ve started watching 3 different TV shows and turned them all off within 5 mins. I’ve put on a 3 hour YouTube video of meditation music and gave up 12 mins in. I’ve googled a bunch of articles that I haven’t finished reading.
Even these simple things feel like a struggle and I’ve failed to see them through to completion, just like everything in my life, just like my dreams blahblahblahselfpityshutup! 😉
I hereby pull myself together. Even if it lasts only a few minutes, or a few hours, it’s better than nothing!
I’ve sat here feeling like a ‘nothing’. A failure. Like my life is over because I have to go do a shitty temp job for a month.
OMG it could be so much worse!
Whenever I feel really shit I am going to force myself to think of as many reasons to be grateful as I can. I’ve never managed to keep a diary for longer than a few days so it may just be mental list-making, but I AM going to practice gratitude.
2. No victim mentality
Here I am beating myself up and feeling resentful of the world, of God, of fate, of the Law of Attraction, etc etc.
But I am the one making myself feel like crap because I have chosen my reaction. I choose how I think and feel about everything in my life.
I’m currently choosing to make this next month, and the run-up to it, as horrific as possible. I’m choosing to be very, very negative about it.
So it’s up to me to choose to think differently.
It’s not easy. But you do feel more powerful and proud of yourself if you can at least acknowledge that it’s YOU making you feel awful. If you can then raise your vibration even just a little bit, you feel great!
3. Don’t GoCompare
I began indulging in a spot of Facebook stalking, but quickly realised it was making me feel worse:
‘Oh her profile pic is her wedding day, well doesn’t she have her life together!’.
‘Oh look her husband has publicly declared how much he loves her on his page, MY boyfriend never does that grumblegrumblegrumble’.
‘Oh she’s got her own business, of course she bloody does, some people have all the luck grrr!’.
These thoughts are ridiculous, ill-informed bunkum, and a waste of time.
4. Don’t think you’ve been abandoned
Having had this great month in January, it gives me no doubt that this is what God/the Universe/whatever higher power you believe in wants us to live like, all the time. How can it be otherwise? If we feel happy and fulfilled and purposeful, we can give so much goodness to the world: positive thoughts, healing, support, gratitude, appreciation, encouragement, love.
I don’t pretend to understand why, on a greater spiritual level, I keep getting pulled back into the same work situation but I read an article by author Becky Due that gives me a new perspective (source).
“While I was homeless during a Minnesota winter, I used to have to start my car and drive around at 2 or 3 in the morning just for heat. I remember many nights waking up with frost all over my sleeping bag. Imagine my zest for life on those nights and early mornings. I remember being in a daze sitting there in my car, scrapping at the frost on my sleeping bag wondering what I was going to do? So on cold nights before I would go to sleep, I had to make good of the cold. I’m not overly religious, but I do have a strong relationship with my higher power. And I chose to believe that my higher power made the cold for me. I believed that the cold kept the criminals inside. And when the snow came down, I felt covered, safe and less humiliated because nobody knew I was sleeping inside my car. I could have been angry about the snow and cold, but instead I embraced it!”.
5. Is there a spiritual learning opportunity here?
Chances are, there is.
I say that I don’t know why I keep getting pulled back into the same work situation. It’s been going on so long that I feel like I’ve worked through many potential lessons – surrendering to it, accepting it, not accepting it, trying to break out of it, meditating on it, questioning my beliefs, acknowledging my lack of self-love, reading endless self-help books and blogs to heal myself, personality tests, aptitude tests, courses on purpose, sessions with a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist – I still feel on a core level that I need to live in a different way, and I believe this is valid.
2014 taught me that I can’t stay in circumstances that reduce me to illness. It taught me that nobody will bail me out BUT ME. In my experience – your employer will push you until you’re hospitalised, your doctor will medicate you and send you on your way until you hit drastic measures. Your loved ones will sympathise and advise but they have their own problems and won’t really step in until you are in critical danger.
So I bailed myself out. I quit my job. I realised that my health is more important than anything and I must prioritise it. This was an important lesson I think.
But, as I’ve written before on this blog: when money runs out and bills await payment, what choice do you have but to shift your health down to second priority?
Perhaps then I still have work to do on how I cope in this situation: on being the boss not the victim, the optimist not the pessimist. Although isn’t that like asking someone with depression to just stop being depressed?
6. Create stuff to look forward to
I won’t be making enough money over the next month to do anything other than pay bills, but I can do free or home-based fun stuff! So I’m going to make a chart for the month ahead and every evening schedule something to look forward to: have a bath, watch a certain thing on Netflix or YouTube, blog, play a game, do some jigsaw, take Baxter for a walk, spend an hour on Pinterest googling tattoo ideas that I probably won’t ever have the nerve to get 🙂
So even though a fair few fibres of my body long to crawl back into bed and tune everything out, I am going to march myself downstairs and make some lunch instead. Then I will make myself enjoy the rest of my afternoon and evening!