To Those Wishing They Weren’t In The World

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I wrote this based on how I felt today when I woke up.

I dedicate it to those who feel the same.
The depressed, anxious, stressed, alone, frightened, grieving and broken-hearted.
We are all One. I am with you. I understand.

May You Rise.

xxx

Waking up Wishing I Weren’t in the World

When I woke up this morning, I wished I wasn’t here.
It’s not that I want death – it’s nothing that severe.
I’m not suicidal. I just want time to cease
So I can un-exist a while, and find a little peace.
All of my life’s burdens weigh heavy on my heart,
Though I do try to be grateful for every little part.
I don’t feel I can tell this to anyone I know
but I do not feel well, I feel trapped and I feel low.
My problems swirl around in my overactive mind.
I cannot find the answers but I cannot be resigned.
And so I fight. And so I tire. And so I crave respite.
The cycle just repeats, round and round, day and night.
But though it feels the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I decide to lift the covers and let the sunlight through.
And though my eyes are teary and inside I am distraught
I resolve that I will sit up despite my heavy thoughts.
And though I cannot bear to think about the day,
I stand. And just a tiny bit of turmoil goes away.
And though I feel a failure, and I’m lost, and I’m afraid
That every morning I will feel this very same way,
I know that things get better. Life goes up and down.
And there would be hearts broken, if I were not around.
So though my heart is hurting and I long for silent rest,
I decide that I will rise, and I will do my best.

xxx

Bethany

 

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(Skin) Picking for Perfection

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Image by FrostyKat Creations

My dermatillomania has gotten really bad this year: I’ve documented already how I’ve gone from picking only one area of my body to multiple parts, including parts that are extremely visible.

I’ve taken to wearing gloves around the house all the time, when I remember and when I’m disciplined enough that is. And I also wear them overnight.

I’ve started a picking diary which, again, I fill out when I remember and am disciplined enough. It has helped to see when I am habitually reaching for skin imperfections I can correct: the main culprits are when I am getting dressed/undressed alone in my bedroom, and when I am in the kitchen alone preparing meals.

I have managed to stop picking at one or two spots which I am not giving myself any credit for but should! So I have proven to myself that it can be done and that actually it didn’t take THAT long and wasn’t THAT hard. Although I may have compensated by picking other areas instead.

I’ve found that baths and showers every day help keep my skin soft and healing quicker. I apply Dream Cream from Lush after I’ve bathed: I really cannot recommend this product enough, the oat milk in it is really cooling and healing and I’ve noticed a tangible improvement in the speed in which the wounds begin to heal over.

I think the most important thing is to NOT BEAT MYSELF UP if I have a weak moment. I always try to tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to try again. I try not to call myself weak or weird or ugly. This isn’t helpful and it’s unkind.

I’ve actually found that feeling more positive in other areas of my life has made an impact in my determination to try and quit. I’ve also noticed that during the times I am doing better with my picking, other parts of my life seem to go better. It’s sort of like I am attracting fulfilment because I am treating myself with more love.

In fact when I meditated last week, when I was feeling worried about my finances, I received guidance that if I focus on my healing that it will help other aspects of my life including my finances. That’s doesn’t mean if I have a bad day with my picking I’ll be punished somehow: it’s simply a reminder of the ripple effect your energy can cause throughout the universe, and how good energy can bring goodness back to you.

It’s not going to happen overnight and it will be hard. Breaking a habit is bloody hard especially when it relieves tension for you. But it’s worth doing. I don’t want to get infected. I don’t want to be ashamed of my body.

Do feel free to get in touch or leave a comment if you have anything you’d like to share with me or with my readers. Stay strong x

 

 

*NEW VLOG* Dermatillomania & me

WARNING for the slightly squeamish: I am a bit graphic in my description of Dermatillomania.

I made this video to explain the disorder and my experience of it, as well as to give some tips to fellow pickers and also to give some exposure to this disorder.

Kiera Rose’s Dermatillomania video: https://youtu.be/23Qup1f1BEE

To find out more about Dermatillomania / skin picking disorder: http://www.skinpick.com/dermatillomania
http://www.trich.org/about/skin-picking.html
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dermatillomania/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Come hang out with me here:

Website: http://www.freedombirdie.com
Twitter + Periscope: @freedombirdie
Insta: @freedom_birdie
Google+: Freedombirdie1

New Vlog on ‘Freedom, Birdie!’ on YouTube!

Yesterday I uploaded a message largely for the benefit of my YouTube viewers who may not read my blog, just explaining why I haven’t filmed for a bit – reasons I’ve been talking about in a more general sense herehere and here.

Excitingly today I managed to get myself all doled up and motivated, and I filmed THREE new vlogs that now just await editing!

Make sure to subscribe to my channel so you see them when they’re published!

News From Under the Mountain

Hi everybody,

I love this quote. It reminds me that it’s ok to have those moments in life where you need to retreat under a rock for a bit. Or in this case, a mountain! It’s just part of the process of recharging yourself so that you can come back stronger.

I am in a weird place right now. In some ways I should be thriving: I am at home all day so it’s the PERFECT opportunity to pump my time and energy into my Etsy store, and this blog, and my YouTube channel (I have empty vegan products cluttering up my staircase waiting to be filmed!).

But I’m not thriving. I’m not really doing anything. Except picking. I’m picking a lot. The area I pick has extended across my backside, all the way down my left leg and across my back. I’m now restricted to wearing grey or black (as chances are if I’m in my bedroom to get dressed or undressed, I have just picked), and covering up my legs and shoulders. And while we may have shit summers in Britain it’s still a bit too warm to be walking round in black tights and long sleeves!

So I feel like I’m carrying a disgraceful secret. And not just externally but internally. I feel weirdly out of touch and emotionless, like I don’t have any energy for anything. It could be my anti-depressants, perhaps, although I haven’t changed brand or dose. It could be a new wacky + wonderful reaction to stress – isn’t it amazing how the body always finds new ways to tell you you’re unhappy.

The scars I’m creating on my body are essentially a massive signpost for the casual observer to stare at me and judge ‘hmm, something’s off about this one’. I feel ugly. Monstrous.

But I’m not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I am still here, and have much to be grateful for.

I am trying to remind myself about divine timing. I am exactly where I am meant to be, experiencing exactly what I’m meant to be experiencing. And when the time is right, which will be chosen by my Soul, I will move through it and onwards and upwards. Can’t rush the process, gotta learn the lessons.

And I love my blog too much to let it go 🙂 Writing soothes me and cheers me up!

So Thank You for reading and sticking with me, and I promise you more content soon from this little Birdie!

I humbly offer you this dark secret about me

Warning: Graphic content

I’ve got a difficult blog post in me that needs to come out. I’ve deprived myself of getting my thoughts out into written form for a while, and turned away from my blog. Now it’s time to explain why.

My skin picking / dermatillomania has gotten a lot worse over the last few weeks. For the first time in 20 years I am not only picking at my usual patch of skin (my butt) but also on my arms, legs, shoulders and back.

I approximate there are 40 open wounds on my body.

It hurts when I sit down. And now that the wounds are in visible locations on my body I feel self-conscious and unattractive, like I’m hiding a big filthy secret.

This is particularly sickening and shameful and embarrassing to admit, but some of the scabs I pick off are quite big and those I will sometimes study almost admiringly. The bigger they are the more satisfying.

Last weekend I ended up with hands and nails caked in blood and shredded skin, so much so that I washed my hands and the water ran brown. I can’t remember when it was last this bad.

I tell myself every morning that today will be the day I respect my body enough to let it heal. Today’s the day I summon enough self-discipline to resist.  Today’s the day I go deeper and meditate in order to discover what my body is trying to tell me through this compulsion to pick.

Then I start to pick and I just don’t care the damage it causes.

I took photos but I can’t bring myself to post them. I thought shaming myself would help me stop, but it feels like too big a punishment.

All I can do is, starting today, be compassionate with myself and make the commitment that WHEN the time is right I will sit in stillness and ask my body to tell me why.

There are issues around me at the moment which I can’t discuss, which it would be ignorant to be think are unrelated. Perhaps my compulsion to pick is aroused from my desire to control myself and the situation. To keep feelings and thoughts subdued so I can cope. To keep things safe. To soothe myself.

Just this morning I’ve decided to try and make a note of whenever I feel the urge to or actually begin to pick. Now is one of them. Thinking about my finances (specifically the lack of) is another.

I’m not in the headspace to end this post with any transformative advice or a great rousing message of inspiration. I just wish compassion, peace, growth and healing for each and every person in suffering, in all its forms.

I’ll be back very soon with my usual Freedom, Birdie ramblings! Just needed to get this out. xx