The Weird + Wacky Ways I Bully Myself!


One of the beautiful benefits of meditation is connecting to your higher self and deepening your understanding of yourself, your life, your journey, your purpose and the beauty of your own authenticity.

It can also turn up the volume on your connection to the Universe/God/your guardian angel and the abundance of support, love and guidance that is all around you, if you believe in that sort of thing. Which I very much do.

Here is a summary of a lil’ Q&A I had in prayer the other day:

Me: Am I doing all I can to make this friendship a successful and happy one, and if not what else can I do?

Guidance: First you must ask yourself are you doing all you can to make your relationship with yourself a successful and happy one, and if not what else can you do?

Ah yes. My higher self/angels/inner guidance has been hinting at this for a while but I’ve ignored it. I guess it’s time to admit it:

My self-talk has deteriorated into bullying lately.

So I finally decided to stop running from the issue and acknowledge the various areas where I have blatantly not been treating myself well enough.

And in doing so, I discovered a few surprises in how my ego had orchestrated its current bout of self-attack. I wanted to share them here because a. sometimes we do things without realising they are rooted in a lack of self-love and b. putting it all out into the world makes me accountable for sorting them out!

Sure some may be obvious but as George Bernard Shaw said: “No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious”.

1. Oh you need a glass of water? TOUGH SHIT

I’ve always been a good water drinker, I genuinely like it, but the last few months my consumption has gone down to near-zero. I drink 2 cups of tea in the morning then nothing (even though I’m thirsty) all day except maybe 1 herbal tea, then usually I’ll have a glass of wine in the evening.

I know I should drink more and I can sit with a pint of water beside me. I know I will go to bed thirsty and wake in the night thirsty. I know it is having other negative physical effects. But I can’t bring myself to fix it.

2. Don’t exercise: just buy the gym clothes, the equipment and the membership! That’ll do it.

I admit I find it hard to motivate myself to exercise at the best of times but I have felt guided lately – again, whispers from my higher self or angelic support – to get back into yoga. I have looked into local classes, created a wishlist of yoga clothes I’d like to own and subscribed to a bunch of yoga-related Twitter feeds. But I can’t bring myself to ACTUALLY DO SOME YOGA. I’ve even – and this is so silly it’s actually funny – been emailing a local school with regards to undertaking their yoga teacher training! Here I am contemplating such a massive financial undertaking when I can’t even make myself do 5 minutes at home!

3. Bitch about feeling overweight & then eat too much. GOOD PLAN DUMBASS!

Even though I’ve been vegan for nearly 6 months I haven’t lost a pound of weight, and although I didn’t make this change for anything other than ethical reasons I have been a bit harsh on myself for not seeing the weight loss and increased energy and other health benefits that others seem to. Reducing my portion sizes would help but if I do that I just feel hungry and then indulge in a bit of self-beatery-uppery for “being greedy”. I’ve taken to eating more sweet treats as well: I’ve tried not to because I know its bad, but in that moment of ‘should I shouldn’t I’ I want the pudding more than I want to feel a pound lighter.

4. That thing you do that you’re ashamed and annoyed at yourself for doing? Do it some more. 

I have dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking) and I go between phases of weaning myself off and letting my skin heal, and then relapsing. I’m currently in the early stages of a relapse. Again, I know if I really really try I can stop myself, but I just don’t want to enough.

——–

So now I have listed out the main things I’ve noticed that are not aligned with loving myself (on the interwebs no less!) I can and I MUST work on resolving these issues. They are all important to my wellbeing.

The importance of self-love cannot and must not be diminished: it is so vital that we are kind to ourselves.

What about you? If you’d like to share your story and make yourself accountable here then please comment below: what are some of the obvious and not-so-obvious ways you currently (or in the past) bully yourself?

asasa

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