I have posted a lot of vegan recipes lately, which I have enjoyed as it’s proving such an addictive adventure discovering new recipes and dairy substitutes.
But this blog is also about mental wellbeing, spirituality and finding life purpose, and they continue to be a daily part of my life. So I figured it was time to stop thinking about food for a moment (not easy for me!) and turn my attention towards some deeper spiritual confessions.
So since January 2015 I’ve been setting up a business at home selling my art prints and cards, and to supplement this I’ve been temping just for short and easy stints. I finished the latest stint last week.
I’m resisting getting back into my business.
I know I enjoy it and find it rewarding but I can’t quite find the drive to go into my studio, sit down and work.
I’ve taken on a couple of great learning opportunities recently: life coaching with Liz Goodchild and the Freedom Plan course with Natalie Sisson. Both my coach and the course have asked me to picture what my perfect day would be, via meditation, dreaming big and careful thought.
But as I try to meditate on this idea, one of two things happen:
1. My mind will go to literally everywhere and anywhere to avoid being still and silent. I’ve avoided my meditation practice lately: I’ve shied away from connecting to my emotions. I think it’s because my anxiety and panic have left me too drained.
2. If I do manage to meditate enough to connect to my higher self, then I am shown the following: me in my garden, clinging to the grass in desperation. Literally hugging the earth, rooted to the spot in abject terror. Because I am terrified of letting go.
Of course, there are no mistakes and I am just where I am supposed to be right now.
I am recognising how much, despite vocalising my desires to the contrary, I have actually been trying to stay as still and stuck as I possibly can. Because of fear.
Fear that discovering what I want and actually going after it could shake things up, change what were once constants, and throw the future into absolute chaos and uncertainty.
As you have such a realisation, so you begin to reclaim your power in the situation.
I may have not gone up to my studio yet but I have made strides with my Freedom Plan course and my coaching homework, and had some ideas that genuinely give me that ‘light you up’ spark that so many career change coaches tell you a meaningful idea should have. And I have been working on those.
And with the awareness I now have that it is my nature to put my dreams aside to keep things orderly and safe (but also unfulfilling), I am slowly prying myself away from the grass and lifting my head towards the horizon. One blade at a time.
So I am probably being too hard on myself that I am not sitting upstairs painting instead, as this is pretty important work too don’t you think?
Oh and yes, I may have watched one or two episodes of Rupaul’s Drag Race as well…but a girl’s gotta have a break, right?