This isn’t very easy to write but I figured it’s times like this when it’s more important that I do write.
On Monday (also my birthday) I discovered that some money I was counting on to get through February isn’t coming through. This means that I only have a couple hundred left which is not enough to pay the bills that will be coming out of my bank over the next couple weeks.
Over the course of January I have been practising positive thinking and affirmations of financial abundance, assuming that the Universe has my back and that I will have enough money to allow me to carry on developing my creative projects and continue to live with this new-found sense of fulfilment and purpose that I’ve never felt before.
Although I have manifested the odd tidbit (£20 on a scratchcard, for e.g.), I have struggled since Monday to remain positive about money, or indeed my future.
These are my behaviours when I’m going downhill:
1. Compulsive scratching
I wondered in a previous post why I experience the compulsion, both consciously and unconsciously, to scratch and pick at my skin. Well, I got a great clue on Monday night: for the first night in weeks, I went to bed and consciously scratched at my newly-healed skin until all the imperfections were picked away. I was aware I was doing it but I didn’t care. I was angry and I needed control over something.
2. Feeling fearful
My creative projects, including my Etsy stores and this blog, they are all just the start of my attempt to escape a long history of jobs that made me dreadfully unhappy and unwell; giving me panic attacks, anxiety and depression. With each job I take (I think of them as stop-gap “day jobs”) those symptoms get worse and more serious. It’s the feeling that I’m wasting my life, and not receiving any sense of fulfilment or purpose that kills me – I’m an INFJ Aquarius, I need to emotionally invest into my work, it needs to have purpose and meaning to me.
I am now extremely fearful that I will have to resort to that again.
3. Lying in bed feeling hopeless
When I’m feeling really awful I lie in bed in silence with a pillow over my head, trying to forget. I feel hopeless, but I can’t cry. Tears won’t come out. By this point I feel like it’s game over. I’ve failed. I’m a ‘nothing’. I’m not good at anything. I’m going to get ill again. Life’s going to get unbearable again. From a Law of Attraction point of view, these are the worst thoughts I could be having! But I can’t stop.
4. Giving up my values, one by one
I have spent a couple hours each day looking for a job. At the moment I am only focusing on finding something that I would find more bearable but If something doesn’t turn up within a matter of days, I will have to resort to anything I can get regardless of the impact on my health.
Rewind a month ago and I promised myself that no matter what, I wouldn’t go back. It is easy to be kind on yourself, and promise to respect your own values and beliefs, when you have money. But when you have no money left what else can you do? It’s at this point when I feel sad that I can’t take care of myself. And I start to feel trapped.
I just need to make it clear I know I am no different to anybody else who works even though they really don’t want to. I am able-bodied and am technically able-minded enough to work and I don’t want to rely on anyone else; not a bank loan, not benefits, not friends, not a loved one.
I just feel pain today:-(