Hello world & Hello 2015, the Freedom Birdie is back!
You may notice I haven’t posted anything for 6 months… I haven’t been well: I had a lot going on in my private life which I’d rather not discuss on the websies (ooh new word!) but my anxiety and panic attacks have built up to a pitch I’ve never experienced before meaning I’m physically exhausted and emotionally drained most of the time.
I quit my job just before Christmas so I’m on the lookout for a new job but I’m also going to try and be very brave and set up working for myself. I say “be very brave” because I tried it around this time of year 2 years ago…
Flashback to January 2013 – I had been getting a small but promising amount of work as an angel card/tarot reader and I’d gotten a few orders of my illustrated homeware on my Etsy store, so I decided to jack in the office job that was making me sick and unhappy and make a go of my passions. I didn’t have a lot of money saved because the office job hadn’t paid very much but I felt spiritually guided that this was the right thing for me, and (I thought) the universe would thus support me.
3 weeks later I’d not had any work come in and my money was all gone. So it was back to the office I had to go.
Cut back to January 2015 – I can’t say I’m any better off financially this time around but all I know is, 2 years have passed and life has not improved. During that time I’ve felt more useless than I’ve felt of value, more depressed than I’ve felt happy and more unhealthy than I’ve felt healthy. It’s such a waste of life.
As I mentioned at the start, my anxiety is currently at a level I’ve never experienced before. Throughout this holiday season I’ve been extremely anxious at the thought of going out in public. The idea of going out on New Year’s Eve was giving me heart palpitations as early as 2 DAYS beforehand. Yesterday I went out to do our food shop and felt such panic that I was bent over my trolley, taking deep breaths like I was in labour and fighting every urge not to freak out, cry and collapse. This is not a good path to start going down.
I realised in 2014 that I have been paralysed by my fear of an unknown outcome. This has stopped me from pursuing all sorts of cool stuff that would probably improve things for me, because I’m terrified of failure and judgement.
I’m also extremely scared of running out of money again.
And I’m DESPERATE not to return to and languish in soul-destroying work again, which drives me to thoughts of self-harm or worse just to escape it. I can’t continue to live like that. Living at that level of emotion is what’s brought me to the pitch of anxiety I’m at now.
So, my Intentions are…
To turn things around.
I will need to get another job, part-time at least, to supplement what I earn at home, but when looking for work I aim to avoid anything that will be detrimental to my health and happiness. How that will pan out when I’m faced with bills I can’t pay, I don’t know, but I set the intention anyway.
As life slowly returns to normal post-Christmas I’ve already noticed my resistance to getting out my craft materials, which I so enjoyed playing with when I was making Christmas presents for my family and friends but now it feels like a massive chore. I’ve joined Bloglovin and read a few articles on creating a successful blog, but I’ve resisted logging onto my own blog. (Until now!). This is all my fear of failure. How powerful it is! So my biggest intention is to push through that resistance.
I have a bunch of other ideas for 2015 that I barely dare think about, let alone publish online, for exactly the same reason. But I’m going to write them in my Leonie Dawson Workbook today and set the intention to be strong and brave, and go for it.
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