You know when you’re sitting next to your laptop, which is switched on, and you’ve got nothing to do, you’re bored, and you keep thinking how you haven’t blogged for over a month – but you STILL can’t motivate yourself to open up your blog and start typing?
That’s how I’ve been the last month. Not just with my blog, with life in general.
Fluoxetine was definitely helping me feel calmer but it started to tip me the other way. I started to feel unemotional. Nothing got to me at work, which being my main trigger was a major plus, and I started to feel a bit more confident… but I just felt pretty ‘whatever’ about everything – whether bad or, more worryingly, good.
So my Doctor changed me onto another brand of antidepressant (I forgot what it’s called).
I’m seeing my Doctor again tomorrow as it’s been 3 weeks on the new pill and I’ve spent the majority of that time feeling like I’m not taking anything at all.
Last week was especially difficult as I also had PMT to contend with, which this pill seems to have aggravated, so it was back to feeling anxious, panicky and tearful. All. Day. Long.
Every day sitting at work is hugely painful and difficult. It feels like I’m trying to repress an erupting volcano of pain and panic and frustration and the desire to just WEEP. It actually hurts my heart and my tummy.
I’ve really tried to surrender to my work situation and live in the present moment instead of worrying that I’m not where I should be or where I want to be. I started Gabrielle Bernstein’s Miracles May Occur course and the 100 Happy Days experiment on Instagram, but both have been abandoned.
The bright side is it’s Sunday morning, it’s sunny outside and I have a holiday only 2.5 months away so I’ve been doing a little bit of holiday shopping. Hopefully the Doctor will set me back on the right track tomorrow and we’ll find the right balance for me.