So I haven’t posted for a couple of weeks and as the title suggests this is mainly because, quite worryingly, after announcing “hooray I can blog at work!” I came in to find work had blocked WordPress. Oh dear.
I got a bit self conscious about whether the IT guys know about my blog. They are a nice bunch so hopefully they don’t judge me 🙂 But it meant I lost the time I had to write and then I struggled to find a new timeslot for it in my routine. But anyway, I’m here now!
Today I took my 31st Fluoxetine pill. I’m pleased to say I haven’t had a panic attack for a few weeks and although I can’t report a massive uplift in mood – I’m not sure any anti-depressant actually does that – I do feel consistently more level and, just, able to cope better than before.
Looking back to 32 days ago I can’t believe the difference nor how much I was suffering. I picture myself then as a woman barely able to move, lying face down in mud, desperately trying to drag herself forwards inch by inch but increasingly losing the energy and ability and just filled with so much heavy sadness. It amazes me how I kept afloat as long as I did and goes to show my strength really, as it does in anyone who has felt that way.
Today has tested me though. I felt very tense and anxious as soon as I woke up and it was like a return to pre-Fluoxetine days: I couldn’t get out of bed because I was filled with absolute dread about the day to come. I eventually dragged myself out 3 minutes before I was due to leave. On the drive to work I was silently repeating “please no, please no”, so desperate not to arrive at work and walk inside.
But I got through the day and am now sitting on the sofa while Baxter monitors the sound of all our neighbours arriving home while he waits for Alex’s car to arrive 🙂
Another thing that has helped over the last couple weeks is a conversation I had with my friend at work during which the following revelation came out of my mouth: “I think I need to give in a little bit where my job’s concerned: stop fighting against where I am in my life right now and just surrender”.
I surprised myself and as soon as I said it I knew I’d hit upon something meaningful. I am so busy telling myself variations of “you should be doing more with your life/talents/ideas” that I don’t allow myself to relax for a moment or enjoy any aspect of my day. I make it a hateful experience for myself because to accept it in any way would feel like giving up.
So I’ve decided to give into each moment. And I’ve given myself permission to enjoy as many moments as possible, even those at work (if I can!). It doesn’t mean I’m giving up just because I am not feeling bitter and angry and desperate. So far it has really made a big difference.
It’s been a long time since I read it but I’m pretty sure The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle covers this, if anyone reading this would like to know more. It’s pretty transformational stuff, you just have to practice it as it’s easy to drift back to old ways.