This weekend I went to support my boyfriend and his friends who completed the Brighton Marathon for the 2nd time. How inspiring it is to watch all the runners complete that amazing feat!
We had 2 nights there so it was a nice little change of scene and a chance to see the sea! And a day off work which was sorely needed.
A new symptom from the Fluoxetine has developed, I get really hot for a few hours after I ‘ve taken it. To the point that I was on the train to Brighton wearing as little as was decent and having to take frequent bathroom breaks to dry my sweat patches under the hand-dryer!
Looking back it was quite farcical but at the time, on a train where you’ll all squished together and there are no windows to open, it wasn’t very pleasant at all, especially with the nausea and general anxiety produced by the excursion itself.
Generally when I’m with people I don’t know very well or whom I don’t yet trust not to judge/make fun of me behind my back, my anxiety goes into overdrive and I’m terribly conscious of how I look, sound and behave. Out of terror that I might look/sound stupid I end up stifling myself to the point I say nothing at all.
And then I worry people find me boring and lacking a personality. I’m not good at openly being me, too many years of fear of people laughing at me or disliking me I guess.
I remember at work’s Christmas party last year, where I didn’t really know anybody, having a painful conversation with someone about tofu (because I’m a vegetarian). In fairness it was he who opened the dialogue not me: but someone must be really struggling to find anything interesting about you when they’re reduced to talking about tofu. I can’t imagine anyone striking up a conversation about tofu with their friends down the pub on a Friday night! (Needless to say the conversation died on its arse and he’s avoided me ever since!).
Anyway, so with all that going on in my mind I tend to hold a tremendous amount of tension in my body and normally at the end of a day out I would arrive home with a cripplingly painful tummy ache because I’ve tensed my tummy for about 10 straight hours. But this weekend, I consciously made myself breathe deeply and relax my muslces, it was surprising how much it hurt at first just trying to breathe normally but as I kept going I felt better and I had no tummy ache at the end of the day!
Mood-wise though I feel like nothing’s changed and last week at work I still felt maddeningly and unbearably anxious and upset. So I popped to see my GP yesterday and she advised me to give it more time as it has only been 2 weeks. I could have another 2 weeks until I start to feel any different, so I really have to just keep battling.
But last week every day just dragged. Every day was exhausting and heartbreaking and soul-destroying and I cried before I got to work and dreaded doing it all over again as soon as I got home. I prayed every day for help and for the strength and good fortune to transform my life into one where I’m not constantly battling against myself but am able to live freely and openly as me. Then I go do it all again the next day. Repeat repeat repeat.
At least my boss is on holiday this week so it is ever so slightly less awful and I can sit here and write my blog!