My big decision: day 8

I’ve just discovered I can log into my blog from my work computer, YES!

This means a. sitting at work just got more fun and b. I don’t have to feel guilty for lying in bed this morning instead of writing a blog post.

So I’m on day 8 of taking Fluoxetine. First of all, the con’s: I’ve been feeling like I have an awful hangover. You know when you have the shakes and like you could vomit at any moment? (Fortunately I haven’t). It reminded me of why I decided to stop getting drunk years ago to the disgust of my then-friends, call me crazy but I just don’t enjoy it.

Yesterday, Monday, was back to work and it was pretty hard going with the nausea, I also had what felt like soreness from acid reflux in my chest and upper tummy area. This is one of my body’s weak spots (I had a stomach ulcer when I was 18) so the pain tells me my poor body is being put through the ringer with the intense anxiety and the new medication, I just have to be mindful of that and treat it kindly.

The happy hopeful feeling I was waking up with has subsided as well, however here starts the pro’s: I have not felt the deep dark despair that I felt prior to 8 days ago, either. I feel completely different to that person of 8 days ago. Its very revealing to me, looking back from where I am today to where I was just that short while ago, how very badly I was doing. (I think I will expand on this in another post).

My anxiety at work is slowly starting to decrease. Although yesterday was painful and I was still pretty unhappy and desperate to leave especially in the afternoon, it was not quite as torturous as it was before and I didn’t have a panic attack.

Here’s another pro: on Sunday I had the first uncontrollable, face-contorting, tears streaming, couldn’t-stop-for-10-minutes belly laugh I’ve had in years. Even though I was sitting in a restaurant and the waiter clearly thought I’d had a breakdown, it felt great! My mum was describing one of the rides she remembers from Universal Studios in Florida and it involved sitting underground, on her own, holding a gun lol. We concluded she had dreamt it!

Afterwards when I realised it’d been years since I’d laughed that hard, I realised how long I had carried that heavy sadness with me and how long I’d accepted life without laughter and happiness as normality.

So despite the physical symptoms I am definitely feeling an improvement. I hope they subside though otherwise it may be a change of medication is required but we’ll see come the 30 day mark.

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